Thousand miles

I haven't written for quite sometime now. Notes here and there, on the train between Brussels and Rotterdam, on the flight between Frankfurt and Budapest, or on the train between Budapest and Szeged... Well, the past one month wasn't a boring one for me.

I have so much thoughts and feelings on my mind, I don't even know where to start. November was the toughest month of my term so far, and honestly speaking it was one of the toughest months in my life. I experienced what I hadn't expected: my batteries ran low, and even though I managed to re-charge them a little bit time by time, that was not sufficient on the long-run, and I got totally exhausted. I don't remember anything like this from before, I got to level which was too much, I simply stepped on my limits. By around 20-25th November I was actually panicking constantly.

And on 25th I finally took a flight to Brussels... I was actually going for the Global Talent Management Unit meeting in Rotterdam, but I spent a night before in Brussels, to see some friends there.

Some notes from there:

26th November 2008, 8.46am, on a train from Brussels to Rotterdam

Sometimes I get so lost in what I am doing at a point of time, that I tend to forget about the world around myself. I actually tend to forget about myself. And here comes one thing which I extremely much love about my life - it is totally random and unexpected, and I create such kind of situations often enough that will help again facing my own self and get me back to my basics.

It's really hard to put in words how I feel at the moment...

Last week I had nightmares because of the stress I had. As on Saturday I finished with some major tasks I had, I started to feel slightly better, then a talk with Devh on Monday put things into a different perspective than I had had before, letting me feel ways better. And now...

Yesterday was the first time after 6 months that I flew again. I arrived to Brussels by around 7pm, then my friend, Vish picked me up, to spend my few hours in the city with him. The whole thing just turned out to be amazing. We went for a "social gathering", celebrating the birthday of another very good friend of mine, Vincent. I was kind of a birthday suprise for him, we both didn't know I would be there. And to make the whole event even nicer, I met 3 other friends of mine, who I haven't seen for 1.5 years by now...

After the dinner Vish took me for a "Brussels city tour". As we left from the restaurant at around 10, we had to manage the whole thing in the night, and it turned out to be the best idea ever. Vish decided he wanted to make my few hours there the most intense possible, and i swear, he made it :)

We walked around, he showed me all the most popular and interesting places, we went to everywhere, walked around, touched everything and all that... Most interestingly, we popped into a lights show, on the Grande Place, where a "light DJ" was trying out the Christmas lights for the Place which was simply amazing, not something to describe with words. Then we ended up at a shisha place, smoking melon waterpipe, drinking tea, laying on pillows and talking about many many things... I think we both had our most relaxed evening of the past few weeks at least. Then we got back to his place, and continued the relaxation with some nice music and tea on the couch of his living room.

I felt so extremely relaxed and slowed down.

And this is my current state of mind as well. I'm relaxed and happy. And now on my way to Rotterdam, for some work, but in a really different way than i have had in the past times... Lets see. Batteries too low now...

----------

1st December 2008, 12.43pm, on the train from Rotterdam to Brussels

20 minutes left on my battery, again...

I don't know what to feel or think at the moment. Have just got through some extremely exciting times over the past one week, and my mind is yet to process all the thoughts and impressions that i've got.

One thing i am completely sure of: it was worth to have this week the way it was. I had really needed to travel and get into a new environment, so as to take some rest, switch my mind off from the daily rush, and to experience something totally out of the box. And that's been the concept of the past week actually: we started each day at about 10am, and finished at around 8-9pm. In between there was a lot of space for super interesting discussions and arguements, for bonding, and enjoying the given moments.

It's interesting how different it gets to be working in a virtual team, and actually meeting this team. I have much more respect towards all my team mates now, and not only respect but a sense of belonging and interdependence. Finally the feeling of working towards the same goals, together. And what's even more interesting, is that the 11 of us are coming from 11 totally different backgrounds, still, we have the same understanding on many points, and we want to head towards the same direction.

I'm not yet sure what I will take home from this whole experience...

I have discovered many old-new things about myself, have had the chance to work in a 100% multiculture team physically, had amazing discussions over many points and have had the chance to work on global strategies, give inputs for the future and all in all, make an impact on the organization.

Really don't know what to say or think at the moment. I'm satisfied and confused at the same time. But in a fulfilling way :)

Now, on my long way home... Nice time for reflection, though certainly not enough.

----------

1st December 2008, 4.49pm, Brussels Charleroi Airport

Well, am already here. 2.5 hours and I'm back in Budapest. How confusing that is...

----------

I realized I'm addicted to flying. Every time the plane takes off with me, I feel happy and relaxed. And every time I have the chance to discover a new place, I get excited and feel being a part of the world. It refreshes my mind, keeps awake my senses, and keeps me challenged.

After getting back to Hungary, the last drops of stress had to come out in the format of drunken tears during a conference, then, again, a weekend of hedonism and relaxation came, partially with my team in Tokaj, then with my boyfriend in Frankfurt.

I am extremely energized now. I am excited about everything, surprisingly even about my exams! I feel like being a different person. Got back all the positive thoughts and energy, I could turn the world upside down just for fun. Got back my willingness to do things, my motivation to go on.

Today I met a really old friend of mine, Soma on my way to the office. I don't know why but the smile I got from this encounter stuck on my face for the whole day, and it really made a difference. I went to do some shopping, then I visited Andris (another old friend, and my future flatmate) at their newly-born juice and sandwich bar. The one hour I spent their with the boys (Andris, Mitsuki and Hackli) was so much fun. I'm still smiling :)

"Or all the above oh how I love you see you smiling

And oh yeah take a little pain just in case

You need something warm to embrace

To help you put on a smilin face, hey, put on a smilin face"

Four Minutes

"Time is waiting

We only got 4 minutes to save the world

No hesitating

We only got 4 minutes, 4 minutes"

Before jumping into the last AIESEC conference I am managing in my life I feel really strange. This one is the biggest and most complex one I have ever done so far. No routines. Pushed my limits to new fields again. Tomorrow is my last stage performance with the first pre-meeting day, and then I move to the backstage. Have to learn this role as well.

2 months intense preparations, 35 people in the Conference Team to coordinate and work with, and now seeing 160 delegates to have an impactful experience within 4 days only. Will it change their lives? For some more, for some less.

But it has certainly changed my life already.

At this point I feel like I'm running out of time with the preparations and however weird it is, I feel relaxed about it. I'm slowly getting to a point when I feel I have done all that I have had to. Last time I felt this way was at the end of my MC term in Kenya. Comfortable with whatever the situation is, and knowing that everything is going to be alright.

"If you want it

You already got it

If you thought it

It better be what you want"

You live, You learn

"You live, You learn" I think that's the simplest way to summarize what I've just learnt in the past few days. Knowing that I am a human being, and I make mistakes, and that it's ok. Knowing that I have around me the most amazing people of the world. Knowing that whenever I'm feeling down, I just should talk about it, and everything gets better.............

I have had 4 people to talk to on a very personal level in the past 3 days and honestly saying, this has been the easiest way to get me out of the hole I had put myself into. However, I think I needed this period - taking myself into pieces and putting the puzzle in one picture again. In a slightly different one than it was before.

And these 4 people were the right people at the right time. Each of them taking me back to my basics in different ways. By a smile and neverending support. By letting my deepest thoughts spoken out. By reminding me to experiences, thoughts, feelings I had in the past. By making me telling stories I have never told before. By showing me that it's always the simplest way the hardest to find.

It's 2am now. I'm sleepy.

Cigarettes and lies

Cigarettes

All that I have been doing to my life recently is very close to what a cigarette is. A moment's craze. And I'm lost in those moments while my cigarette is on. Believing, dreaming, being energized. Then I have to survive till the next stick. I'm leaving from cigarette to cigarette, smoking each stick like a poor man in hunger when he gets a piece of bread. Hoping for a time when I can really enjoy smoking, just like the hours in between 2 cigarettes.

The question only comes when I gotta realize that I enjoy the craze. If there is no natural mess around me, I turn the world upside down myself. Everything feels weird if I can smoke a cigarette in a relaxed way not thinking of what's gonna happen after.

Lies

Imitating you're ok while you're not is wrong. Imitating you're not ok while you really are, is worse. Doing the two at the same time is something inexplicable. Confusion. The thing is that I don't want to lie, especially not to my onw self, but gotta to do it coz sometimes I cannot decide what's wrong and what's right and what I actually need to feel good.

Lost in my own world, looking for a path that will take me to somewhere. Again, back to the world being upside down theory, I'd feel bad if everything went in the right way and I walked a defined and lightful path. But I tend to create such kind of challenges, which are a bit more than I can deal with.

Extreme? Yes.
Crazy? Yes.
Absurd? Yes.
That's how I like it.

Under the Milky Way tonight

It's amazing how my life can be changed in such a short time. I was just telling my mum a few days ago that basically am starting up a new life again and again whenever I move. Especially when I'm changing countries.
I eat differently, dress differently, my behaviour is changing, it's having an effect on my values, even on my sense of humour and on my self-confidence. I face different expectations and different working cultures... I'm changing in such a way that I can't even follow-up myself.

And guess what... I'm moving soon again. No, I'm not traveling abroad. I'm not spending another year in another country. At least not now. I'm moving soon to Budapest, starting up a new life again. This time I'll have to manage my independence again here, with different circumstances, especially as living with Dani will be a whole new experience. Time to grow up.

No, I haven't found a flat yet. Ermm, ok, there are some options pending, but no confirmation yet. It doesn't matter. Finally I'm not attending classes, so I don't have to worry about traveling.

I'm feeling very uncomfortable with my current living environment, I don't feel at home at all - actually I feel like I was kinda homeless. Quite embarassing, I have a place to sleep and all my needs are basically fulfilled, but this is still not MY home. And I'm really curious, how changing this environment and creating a new home will affect me.

Living again in Budapest... That's something I can't wait to experience again. I love this city. It is a bit like a human being, I love listening to its heart beats. I love its atmosphere. Speedy, flashy, but warm and friendly at the same time. All the buildings, parks, the Danube... the fact that it's safe and you can walk on the streets whenever and wherever you want. Taking care of its citizens.
And I love the way it's changing with the seasons. It's taking breath in a different way now, as autumn in here. Not slowing down, but the speed is somehow different from how it is like during summer time.

Today we asked a fresh new intern, Anna from Russia, how she liked Budapest. She said that her first impressions were really bad about the city, and she's just getting comfortable with it slowly. Well, I have to agree with her on a certain level to be honest. I never liked Budapest when I was a child, I remember telling my parents I would rather be homeless than moving there. I think I've fallen in love when I was around 17... It was when I started to get to know the city. Not only the first impressions, but the hidden or small parts. Since then I always have something new that I still want to explore further - a street, a building, a shop window, a cafeteria... anything.

What never happened in the past few years - I'm excited about my coming winter. It'll be really different from the ones I've had in the past. I haven't had winter since 2006 and I haven't lived here since the same point of time... I wonder if there is another city with which I can fall in love the way I have fallen for Budapest.

Wanna move

My head is like a used lemon... Am so extremely exhausted that I am stuck at where I was like 6 hours ago. In tasks, in thinking, in food, everything. I fell asleep on my desk 2 hours ago, woke up after 30 minutes, since then I got a peach from Rado, we ate together and now I just know I have to go and check out a flat in 30 min from now.

I feel really weird. I know I'm forgetting something, but I cannot find out what that is. I know things are not ok this way, but I don't see the way out. I'm trying to think of Daniel and the fact that he is coming soon but then the question comes: when? Coz the wonderful Hungarian Courier Servies (Magyar Posta) is late with the package containing the needed documents for his visa application... Then I'm trying to think about living in Budapest again. That would help so much. But when am I finding a flat??

I'm worried. The many questions around are killing me and whenever I solve one, other 3 are coming up. Like a spiral. I know all can be solved, am just tired.

I haven't managed to learn something, not even in Kenya: to relax. To clear up my thoughts and forget about the world around. To not think. To not worry about something all the time. Changing my environment would be a great option for this, or getting some new unexperienced experiences, or jumping into something which I have to focus on without any worries and which is not related to my daily activities.

By the time I leanrt not to worry about time, I had to leave Kenya... For a while I didn't give a shit about arriving to meetings in time, and I was regularly late by around 20 minutes. But then somehow this European standard has eaten me up. I'm counting the minutes, rushing everywhere and I'm unhappy when the bus is late by 5-10 minutes. I honestly don't want this... I need to get back my good relationship with time.

And I'm stuck with writing. I was telling this to a friend recently, I am not getting the inspiration to write. Words, thoughts, feelings are not coming. Ain't there anything to write about?? I'm asking myself again and again... And I have no answers yet.

I have to go now. Flat. Excited.

In The Air Tonight 2.

In The Air Tonight

Since I've been working on the student promotion campaign for our local offices, I've realized I'm actually interested in marketing. It was a really interesting process how I got to this conclusion - a year ago I was applying for a part time job, and when the interviewer was asking me about my interest and passion in marketing I was looking at him totally blank... And here we are now.

Actually it started with a talk with an alumni who is working at a marketing & media company. She was explaining how we should start thinking of the student promotion - and that totally moved me out of the box I was in before. 2 weeks of market research, analysing our target groups, analysing other brands who have the same target groups - then taking our members through the same process in only one afternoon...

The point when I actually realized I'm interested in it was when I was watching at different video clips from other brands, trying to find out what they think about the youth as their target group. And amongst the various clips I have found some which are so much out of the box, that I just kept on wondering... Wow, how did someone create this???

Marketing is very close to arts with one small difference only - in arts you want to make an impression to express yourself. In marketing you want to make an impression to sell yourself. I like that.

The best example for this theory is above.

Changes

Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh I need changes!!!!!

1. I need to change home.
2. I need to change lifestyle.
3. I need to change my blog.

I need to change the concept coz the old one is not working anymore. And I need some spice, coz for some unidentified reason I'm getting bored. I think I miss randomness and unpredictablility... Ahh, this is crazy, I wouldn't have thought of this a year ago :)

Anyways. Let me just just create some mess and craziness around myself, hopefully that'll help. Haha :)

Moonwalker

I always have that perception that you just have to say goodbye to your past and look into the future. But yesterday something hit me: sometimes you need to look into your past, get connected with the way you have taken so far and learn about yourself based on the experiences you have had.

I was reading my previous posts on this blog, from back when I started writing, through the first few weeks I spent in Kenya, and randomly some more thoughts I had till May 2008.
The reason behind reviewing the blog was a very unexpected one: we were looking for some thoughts we can put on the national promotion materials for the next recruitment we are having in September, and Brigi, my right hand in communication issues, was insisting on having me on one of the posters.
This whole story has become a deep reflection opportunity for me... I gotta get reconnected with my experiences in Kenya, and with the way my personality and way of thinking was transforming from week to week. Especially the following thought made me smile a lot:

"what makes someone to become a Kenyan? What attributes do you need to survive in Nairobi?

Finally I've listed the following points: you have to be persistent, extremely flexible, pushy, highly willing, and at the same time sweet and caring, with high empathy and openess. You need to smile when shit happens, but to be very harsh and strong when you want to reach something. You also have to know when to hackle, when to laugh at someone who wants to cheat on you, and when to say you don't want to hear any more excuses. You have to be very self-confident, and determined."

(4th July 2007)

Haha, I wonder what my current team would say about this now.

I was telling a friend a few days ago: self-confidence is coming from knowing who you are and what attributes you have and learning how to use those attributes as strengths and weaknesses in different situations and environments. Coz something that you might consider as a strength here might be a weakness there and vica versa. Getting back again to a thought I had earlier: "was it your weakness that made you strong?" is something extremely relevant to think about...

Another point this whole impression has made me think about is my career plans. In December 2007 I reviewed my original career goals and I realized I don't have to decide about 1 thing I want to do in life - I can switch at anytime, and I have the opportunity to try basically anything I want. Coming from this, I am again rediscovering my passions and interests, and it's getting to be extremely exciting. I am just leaving all the doors open, and lemme see where I will go in...

Wake me up

Holiday, day 4
at my parents' home

I still have 3 more days to clear up my head... I guess it should be enough. I haven't caught the concept of a holiday yet, getting up late and working from home is just a hidden way of working still. I need to find out how I can switch myself away from this world.

Yesterday there was a slight trial of doing something different - I was at a football match with 3 friends of mine. I loved it! The only issue I had was that I was going there from the office (yes, I was in the office for a few hours) and even my laptop was with me and all thoughts from the day, which I couldn't just swift away.

I think the best for me would be to go away from here for a few days, without connection to the world and have either a passive, sunbathing-doing-nothing or an active exploring-partying few days. I can't relax here, I have too many thoughts in my head, too many things around to do, too many people to meet, I am pulling myself down and I don't see the way out.

I feel exhausted.

I thought that being mentally energized would help. Coz I am happy! Things are going great. Our first national conference last week was amazing, a big success. We just made it, as Bence has said. Rado has arrived back finally, the MC team is together. The atmosphere is positive, our members are great, our NST is the coolest ever, everything is up and running.

I have no reason to feel bad or to complain.

Finally I have managed to talk more with my fellow Kenyans as well. I don't feel disconnected as much as I did before, I think I'm on my way to align my two worlds together, and get the most out of both. I am kinda finding my role here and now. This has been one of biggest fears and concerns recently - questioning what the hell I was doing here -, and as I'm getting my answers pole pole I'm feeling much more balanced.

Thanks Rado for the chat we had last week. You're such a great friend, darling.

Hmm. I think I need some real relaxation, some different environment. Moving back to Budapest. Getting my baby here very soon.

Argh, I can't find the right word for how I feel now.

Photos from IZÉ will come later :)

Everything I do

Every step I make
And every breath I take
I took cuz I cant wait
To be closer to you

Baby you're so sweet
You give me cavities
I get a stomach ache
If I cant be with you

At night I fall asleep
And I dont wanna wake up

Cuz you are in my dreams
A heavenly creation

In the body that
I only wanna share with you

Hey

Everything I do is just for you
Countin every second til we rendezvous
And I cant wait
To give my love to you
Cuz everything I do is just for you

Baby we will never finish
To be continued
Separation cant change
The love I feel for you
I'm gonna definitely be affectionate
Snuggle up tonight lets get real intimate
Only you can satisfy my appetite
Cuz when it comes to love
You get me get so excited
I wanna taste your lips
My body melts in bliss every time

You are my (you are my)
Universe(universe)
Everything I want and
Everything I need and
Everything worth waiting for
For
For better or for worse
Constant craving
Your love enslaves me
Oh

Beyoncé & Bilal

It's raining man!

Long time no word from me... Well, am becoming a busy girl. Waking up at 7am and arriving home at 10pm or later or being on the countryside (actually it seems sometimes as if I'd be taking a Hungary tour) makes me somehow stop thinking about my feelings and experiences.

Even now it's midnight and I'm just sitting on my bed cluelessly about what to write - but I have had an inspiring day, and I need to write.

First of all, let me tell you, I have never been so much efficient and effective in my life as I am these days. It's just amazing how thoughts and ideas are coming and how fast I can go through developing a strategy, a new concept or anything like that. Internet is fast, my work environment is just amazing - and I have many people around me who can eventually help me in creating... Haha, you need to see this, my corner in the MC office:

It's been a bit changed today - I have a new super comfortable chair, a double size notice board and a new slogan: "IDEATING CORNER" :) - about IDEATING let me tell you later...

In addition to the environment, I have a time pressure on me - July (and later November) is my most rushing period, we have a national conference called IZE 2008 next week and I have to be ready for that. Not only with my sessions, but basically with the strategies that the sessions are going to be based on. It's quite interesting how you pass on a fresh developed strategy to the faci team for the session workout!

And yesss, I love rush times :) I've been trying to complain at some points but it just simply doesn't make sense. I feel great when I'm busy! And I feel great in the mess and craziness, and it's all provided now, hahaha.

Oh, yeah... IDEATING. I had an online meeting yesterday with my TMU mate, Lore (from Colombia) with who together we are the logo-motto subcommittee of the team for now, and we were kinda brainstorming yesterday through a skype talk. (Haha, I love virtual communication, and thanks god for the internet, skype and youtube :)) While we were trying to phrase a sentence from our random but meaningful thoughts, we popped into an interesting concept by IBM - IDEATING... (check it out if you have some time) So since then instead of thinking, innovating, brainstorming, etc. - we are IDEATING!

Today I had a very interesting meeting with one of our corporate partners. This partner is a marketing agency and they know AIESEC really well - and we were talking about the concept of the student sector communication for the next promotion period. Csilla, the representative of the company, has really made me think, she just came up with some random thoughts, which have moved into my head and have created a very productive IDEATING process in my head today. I'm so inspired! After the meeting I digged down in this process and I almost forgot to come home... :P

Hmm. The past 2 days both started with heavy rains, funny enough not only in Hungary, but also in Nigeria. Seems now that Rainmaker is now using rain to strengthen the connection between people in the given countries :) Haha, babe, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to get you soaked...!

Freestyler

Introducing my MC team for 2008/2009... :)

from left to right: Rado, Bence, Kicsi, Viki and Devh

Big big world

Sharing is caring :) I really like this ad, it inspires me somehow. Check it out!

Don't lie

later on... 7.30pm

I've just got home an hour ago, and I'm extremely tired. I think at this moment I have less energy than a dead mosquito. In addition, the feeling of being lost just doesn't find to go away, it's actually getting worse and worse each day. I know crying doesn't solve anything, but for now I don't have any better idea...

I have not been thinking at all over the past 2 weeks about what's happening with me, I've just jumped into my new tasks and responsibilities and I'm trying to do all very well. Since I'm back I haven't even taken a whole day off just to avoid thinking. I've got a feedback that I'm talking too much about Kenya, so now I'm killing myself trying to keep those thoughts to myself. I feel disconnected and torn out from my world. And I hate that everyone's asking me: "So how is being at home?" coz I don't feel at home at all. Things seem to be familiar to a certain extent, of course, but I feel like an alien.

I miss speaking Swahili, I miss Nairobi's streets, I miss Kenyan public transportation, I can't find normal fries anywhere... I miss the Kenyan openess and sense of humor. And the bananas here taste terrible.

And I feel I'm not allowed to talk about this all, I have to be smiling and balanced. I have to be happy that I'm here. When I feel down, I just pretend being tired, I run away and hide somewhere.

Before I left from Kenya, I had an online chat with Matthias and he told me the following:

"... understand that it's totally fine and ok that you have these feelings and you are allowed to be strange :) don't try to stop yourself too much either."

Just to underline this statement, I have found some training material on reverse culture shock. At least it seems I'm "normal" - it's good to know...

http://www.larissa-becker.de/reverse_culture_shock.html

The ten top immediate reentry challenges

- Boredom. The excitements and challenges of the host country are gone.
- ”No one wants to hear”. Everybody deals with his/her own concerns (the ”uncle Charlie syndrome”)
- Difficulties to explain coherently what really happened. Those who listen don’t have the frame of reference or travel background to understand.
- Reverse ”home” sickness. Feelings of being lost and lonely.
- The relationships at home have changed. The returnees as well as those who stayed at home have altered.
- Some people don’t appreciate the changes of the returnees. This may be caused by jealousy, fear, or feelings of superiority or inferiority.
- People misunderstand. They interpret words and actions. Humor may be understood as sarcasm, an offer to help as criticism, the expression of affection as ”showing off”.
- Feelings of alienation. The feeling of being ”back home” is not as natural or enjoyable as expected.
- Inability to apply new knowledge and skills. Lack of opportunities to apply the newly gained social, linguistic, and practical coping skills.
- Compartmentalization and loss of experience. The pressures of job, school, family, friends, often combined, may contribute to a feeling of loosing the experiences.

Symptoms of Reverse Culture Shock
Challenge to self-concept:

- torn between two cultures
- loss of national identity
- changed behavior
- changed ideas and values
- changed way of thinking
- international experience has to be integrated in the day-to-day realities of life in the home country without compromising important values acquired in the home country

Sitting down here

1.30am

Let me share an extract from one of my emails to Leah - I think it describes a lot about my current state of mind:

"... I’m just missing Kenya very much – and it’s not a cliché or something, but deeply. I mean first of all, it is very strange what kind of social values I got in Kenya which are really different in Hungary and I get annoyed by them every day. (like people in Hungary seem to be much more money oriented, much more individualistic, public affection is totally accepted, girls are wearing extremely short skirts and generally cloths which are not covering too much parts of their bodies, etc..) I keep on talking on mixed English and Swahili and I’m wondering why people don’t understand me, I am late by around 20 minutes from all my meetings, I can’t adjust to the bus schedules (I have serious issues with this one) and I keep on talking about Kenya and Kenya and Kenya all the time, I was told recently that it’s getting to be too much for my environment… and these are only a few examples."

Besides all, am doing quite well. I'm just busy with all transition, trainings and work and I feel really tired at the end of each day. And this way I find it really hard to communicate with anyone... It's really annoying. I hate being disconnected.

And I've got a cold... again. I feel sometimes it'd never stop.

On Sunday we're going to Serbia for a week with my new team. We decided to have the MC planning there coz Rado needs to go back to get his visa finally. It'll be cool - 5 days with the boys :)

I'll write more later, but now I still feel a bit lost and confused - and right now I don't have time to clear up my thoughts. And frankly speaking it's better this way at the moment.

Rome wasn't built in a day

02/06/2008
Budapest, Hungary

It's not that I have stopped writing, not at all - simply that my past one week has been crazy and I still hardly can find some time to do anything besides MC transition.

Clearly it's not the time to relax - and though I knew it from the very beginning, it's quite confusing and tiring now. Just like when arriving to Kenya, am extremely inefficient and lacking of concentration. I need some time to get back to "normal". I'm not actually defining my way at this moment, rather flowing with the stream. But that's ok, it'll change after a while.

Being in Hungary again... It's really different from anything I have expected. I am going through the same cultural integration experience as if I was an international here, and it's quite funny to watch myself with an outsider's eyes now. Coz I have already seen it all once. And I know what is going to happen. I also know how to handle most of the things, though of course, the approach should be different, adjusted to the local realities and environment. I'm getting to be rather curious than scared.

However, I have many challenges with switching between my current (Kenyan) and coming (Hungarian) roles. I'm not fulfilling neither of them well at this moment. And this actually annoys me a lot, I feel I'm not living up to my own expectations. But it's ok. Patience. That is the key word.

Having Dani in my life has been really helpful recently. I've learnt to appreciate more what I have, and learnt to be more patient. He keeps me going and makes me believe. If all goes well, I'll see him in July... I really want it to happen!

I'm sitting now outside of the MC office. This place is quite quiet, good for reflection. I'm waiting for Petra, we have a meeting at 6pm. Then we'll hook up with Ági at 8.30pm. I'm happy to have her around again.

Szaki has left to Jordan yesterday. It's such a strange feeling - it's his turn now. And Maso is applying for an internship in Australia, having his interview tomorrow. If he makes it, he's gonna leave in July. 4 friends in 3 countries again... But it somehow connects us instead of tearing us apart from each other. It's good the way it is.

Tomorrow I'll finally have a free day - I shall find out how to self-coordinate my life from now on again.

Reflect. Focus. Play the game.

I'm leaving

23/05/2008, 22:00 (EAT)
Jomo Kenyatta International Airport
Nairobi, Kenya

What can I say... First of all, after 2 double shots of Smirnoff vodka that Muhiu, Muli and Phil have pumped in me, I'm definitely not sure about anything around me. I'm at Gate 8 already, 40 minutes remaining to boarding. It's quite boring. It's good that I'm not sober, at least I've stopped crying. I'm just following the signs, not thinking anymore.

The past few hours have been the hardest ones ever in my life. And I know it's not over yet. I'll have a nice sleep to Zurich, then an exciting 90 minutes to Budapest, then after that... The confusion. Where am I? Who am I? What am I doing in Hungary again??? I hope I'm getting some answers over the next 13 months... Coz that's what am going to do in Hungary. Looking for those answers.

Haha, pole sana, I'm not sober, I've warned you in advance! I'm trying to concentrate but it's not easy at this moment. Can't wait to board, I want to sleep.

My past 2 days have been amazing. Farewell paryt on Wednesday evening, nice chillout stuff. Thursday - running around, doing some shopping, MC photos in the afternoon, nyama choma and MC-MCe team bonding. Emma slept at my place that night - packing, chocolate, salt&vinegar crisps, stories... I slept 4 hours. Morning - Nairobi Safari Walk. I wish I had discovered this place earlier. For 300 bobs you get the perfection of silence, peace and tranquility. It causes a state of mind when you get totally clear. When you don't have any thoughts. It helped a lot. Then town, Hurlingham, meeting with Joram - transition meeting about the AIESEC - Wylde International relationship. Chocolate cake, Alvaro, plain chips. Home - packing, crying, R&B, packing, and crying. An sms from Tess: "I miss you already. I can't believe this number is not going through from tomorrow."

I'm about to cry again. Oh gosh, it's not fair. Why is it that you create home again and again and again?

Funny enough, I feel myself to be closer to myself. I mean I know what I want. And I listen to my instincts. Home has become a state of mind. Instincts are friends. Time is working for me. Every step I take makes sense.

But it's hard to understand and it's hard to accept. Especially not that I'm leaving my friends behind. People who I love and for who I'd do anything. But then again: geographical distance can be translated as a matter of time. And time is my friend. It tracks progress. In each relationship in life, there is a progress. So distance, as a matter of time, helps me to make my relationships grow...

...

Cadbury's Old Jamaica. An sms from Dani. Positive thoughts - everything happens for a reason. I feel much better now, the vodka is kinda going away. I'm just terribly sleepy. 5 minutes left...

Kenya... I'm coming back soon. Kwaheri.

Inner smile

15th May 2008
4.30pm, Rongai, Nairobi

I'm sitting at the back of Nazarene University campus, in Rongai. The whole campus is beautiful, but this peace at the back is just wow... Amazing... The only noise I hear is the birds, the wind, and some quiet music from AIESEC in Nazarene's office nearby.

I have come here to deliver some trainings. We were supposed to start at 11am and finish by 2-3pm latest. Well, starting at 1pm didn't really help in our time management, but somehow I don't mind it now.

I didn't plan much for today originally, coz my laptop is with Emma, and I've got a bad cold recently - actually I was even thinking about taking the whole day out and just rest... Especially coz I've kinda overworked myself in the past few weeks (again) and I've felt tired and fustrated.
For the same reason, 2 days ago Emma sent me home to rest and take a break. Then yesterday Leah looked at me and said: "You gal, you need a cocktail." Well, I seriously did. Finally we ended up in Mwendas Leah, Beryl, Winnie and myself, drinking that Blue Streak again that usually kills me... - afterwards I slept in Leah's room at campus, as it was too late to go home.

Today morning I felt like a hero again, waking up at 7am, heading to home to take a shower and change, and also to prepare for the trainings - then I met Maureen at 9.30am at railways, so that we could come together to Rongai.

I'm happy. I've been out of my usual daily schedule and paradigms so much recently. I've also bought a new pair of shows at Bata yesterday. Finally. And I'm not worried about time anymore, is has become my friend. I feel being in peace and harmony with myself and with the world around me. I feel energized and inspired. I feel happy.

And this happiness comes from something else as well... Someone else actually... I don't know what he has done to me, but since Daniel has come into my life, I feel being a different person. He has made me believe in many things I didn't believe in before. He is the cause of my smile each day, he's the sugar in my coffee (that's why I don't need any more ;)), he's the answer for my questions. I've never felt like this before. I just hope that we are really getting closer to the day when the 2 thousand miles between us won't be there anymore - I'll be the happiest woman on Earth.

Chronomentrofobia

13th May 2008
Comfort Hotel's bar, Nairobi

Noone is actually servicing me, though I crave for a coffee and a plate of masala chips... I have left Fiona in the MC office with my laptop so that she can get all the materials and documents that she needs from it.

I have been working on my portfolio plan for next term, putting down some ideas and strategies. Then I thought: now I have all this, I just need my action steps, milestones and a timeline... Timeline... And at this point something has hit me - my concept of time has entirely changed.

It's not that Kenya is faster or slower than Hungary - no... It's way beyond that. It's a total shift in my perception of time. Being efficient. Wasting time. In time. On time. All these expressions have got a new meaning for me.

I'm looking down at the street, watching people passing by. Then looking at my phone - twenty to one, Mutheu should be arriving in about half an hour. In about half an hour... What does that mean? I know it sounds really weird but I want to define somehow what time does mean to me. I have a feeling that it's somehow an important thing when I am moving from one country to another.
I really like what Sharon Stone said: "Time does not exist. It's only a creature so that we can arrange our meetings." That is time for her. So what is time for ME? As a matter of fact, it does not help me arranging my meetings. Not even scheduling my tasks. It doesn't help me get through pain, and it doesn't really facilitate my life routine - somehow I don't really care about day or night, I don't necessarily eat just because it's lunchtime and I can't tell what am normally doing on Sundays...

Then what do I use "time" for? Hmm. There is one thing, an answer, which am tasting... "to track progress" - kinda making sense. Time is a tool for me to track progress. Wow. I have to crosscheck this in practice. How it works, how it helps me on a daily basis. I'm curious!

...

10pm, at home. Hmmm, I had 1 hour for myself today in the middle of the day, see what it is doing to me??? Hahaha.

Just got home not long ago from town - we were supposed to have a TM team building with my current LCVPs, but finally it was only Emma and Maryanne turning up, so 3 of us went for a "buy 1 get 1 free" pizza at Nandoz. It was relaxing, after a long day. Funny enough, I had thought I wouldn't have had much to do today, as Fiona had my laptop for several hours. But somehow I organized 2 random meetings, one with Mutheu and one with Jose, and then another one with Fiona (after she finished with the laptop), so by 5pm I found myself being terribly tired...
Emma has sent me home after the pizza telling me I really need to take some rest. Well :)

I don't know how am doing that, but even though we're doing on the job transition with both the girls by now, and I'm hardly doing anything that I was normally doing on a daily basis before, somehow the volume of my tasks just doesn't want to go down... I have such a long list of things I still need to do, and I just keep asking myself - when am I having a break...? Not that I don't enjoy it, I do, but I'm a bit worried, coz I don't know for how long I can keep up my level of energy.

Last weekend we had NTT/NST skills building in Westlands, Esther's cousin was hosting us in his flat. Haha, I had so much fun :) First of all, we started quite late as guys instisted on watching Tusker Project Fame, but when I finished by last session for Saturday, presentation skills training, at 1am they were all awake. Finally we decided to watch "How I met your mother" epizodes, and gotta fall asleep by around 4am... I felt like a hero in the morning when I woke up first, at 7am, to prepare breakfast for the team.
Then by noon everyone was truly awake, wowowo, we had a "how to train" simulation with crazy topics, I was curious about their level of creativity...

5-minutes mini trainings on the following topics:

"How to fuck an elephant" (by Renee)
"How to loose a girlfriend/boyfriend" (by Carol 1)
"How to pick up a date" (by Nash)
"How to kill yourself creatively" (by Carol 2)
"The art of being annoying" (by Esther)
"How to see dead people" (by Mo)
"How to chop down a tree using only your cat" (by Emma)

Hahaha, I was laughing my lungs out, when Emma was explaining 4 or 5 different methods for her challenge, with an absolutely serious face; Mo made us almost believe that we'd really see dead people there; and Renee wanted to convince us about the benefits of making out with an elephant and simulated the whole process with Nash :)

Crazy people... :)

I'm thinking about taking Emma's advice and going to sleep now.

Sway

5th May 2008

Summarizing my past week... Damn interesting! I think that's the best expression for it :)

Juliet and Sly have still been in Rwanda (they are supposed to come home sometime soon), and as the MC elect left for Planning Conference on Tuesday morning, it was only Phil and me in Nairobi out of the whole team. So on Wednesday I made my day busy: had a long transition meeting with Quincy, then a lunch meeting with Phil, then a mentoring meeting with Mike (he needed some inspiration), and the top of the day was the LC Nairobi Alumni Cocktail in the evening.
I have actually learnt a lot from all my meetings, especially from the one with Phil of course - but it's interesting how I'm still learning from those talks when I am passing knowledge, or thoughts. And this is something I love about AIESEC - you learn that no matter what role you have, what level you are at, you always can learn something new.

Then, as I've mentioned, the top of the day, Alumni Cocktail! Wowowo, I'm still amused! First of all, I'm proud of that LC of mine, they are doing their job so well. The event was amazingly well-organized, nice and posh, but not too much. It was held at Wasanii. And quite many alumni and corporates participated, I was even surprised how many.
Finally I ended up having some really nice discussions... I was seated next to Beryl for a long while, but as she was giving her speech and some other guests arrived, I found myself amongst 3 aging man. One of them was Kent on my extreme left, then Julius Kip' (I can never remember his full name - Director of Kenya Wildlife Service) on my right, and someone on my left - I didn't have a clue who he was. Then this guy on my left asked me something, so finally we ended up having a nice conversation. I found out that he was originally from South Africa, and lived in Budapest 2 times, once in the 1980ies and once from 1994 to 2000 then he moved from Budapest right to Nairobi. And he also mentioned that he was working for Vodafon there, then we moved to the nice things that he loved about Hungary. Now he is the CEO of Safaricom...
My other favourite discussion was with a guy called Robert. He's half French - half Spanish with some Polish Jewish ancestors, born in the UK, having 5 kids from 4 wives in different countries... And he speaks at least 10 different tribal languages of Kenya, and he keeps on learning new and new languages even now (he asked me to write down hello, goodbye and I love you in Hungarian for him when we meet next time :)).

After all this, my Thursday went quite quietly. It was a public holiday, but we agreed with Quincy, that we go on with transition. So I went to the MC office in the afternoon, found there Jobe from the Dinner OC, trying to find out the names and addresses of the different ambassadors to Kenya for inviting them for Dinner. We had a really nice chat before Quincy arrived. Btw, Phil left to Nakuru for the conference on Thursday as well, so from this day I was the ONLY one MC member in Nairobi... :)

Then on Friday LC Nairobi had their Opening Ceremony for YES project - the LC proved second time in one week only that they are super good in event organizing! Though the number of students were less then they expected, the corporate guests and speakers all came and basically it turned out to be a very successful event. We had 2 ladies from KCB, Manu Chandaria from Chandaria Foundation, Dr Kevit Desai (BoA member for AIESEC Kenya), Richard Bell (a venture capitalist) and the 2 winners from last years project.
My most amazing moment was when one of the winners from last year claimed that AIESEC and the projects has really changed his life... He is now a young entrepreneur, starting up his business, already has some clients and is thinking about growth and growth and growth only. And as his clients are schools and teachers, just imagine how many more life he is changing by his job!
The other winner from last year, Daniel had a very interesting definition for entrepreneurship, I like it a lot, let me share:
"You find out that something is not working well, and you think: Somebody should make it better. And this somebody should be me."

On Saturday we went to Nakuru together with Gathu, Martin and Quincy. Gathu was driving, we arrived to Nakuru in 2 hours instead of 3 - nice drive, tho I had to remind Gathu like 3 times that I didn't have an insurance... But we arrived safe and sound finally. The conference was going on very well. I'm proud of our MC elect and NST elect, they have been doing a great job. I have no doubt that we're leaving AIESEC Kenya in the right hands.
During the night, celebrating Phil's birthday, Godi came with some tequila for the MC and MC elect - I think I drank like 4 shots, hoping that the Kenya Kane afterwards would never reach me... Fortunately it didn't so we went to dance and I managed to keep myself awake till like 4am :)
Next morning during closing plenary I promised delegates I would try hard not to cry during my speech... Well... I didn't succeed... It was really powerful how our memories started coming back from the very beginning of our term, not just from my own point of view, but also the way Leah and Phil were talking about it. It was really deep, really touching.

Hmmm soooo much impressions again, only within a few days. And all this on the top of a lovely, warmish feeling that I've been having recently... :) I'm happy!!!

Life for rent

Have you ever felt that all of a sudden a loads of random things around you just start making sense? Like if you saw the sky for the first time... You come to understand things you've never understood, or have never even cared about.

Well, I'm on this stage at the moment. I've just got lightened up about myself, and about the world around me. It's freaky, but a really good feeling. Freaky, because now I can consciously determine many many things, but good, because of the same point. And now I know what I want and how I want to reach there.

The MC office nowadays has changed so much. Juliet and Sly has been in Rwanda since last week, Phil is rarely in the office as well, he has been traveling from one side of the country to the other for LC transitions, but then the Dinner and Magazine OC teams are always there making some noise and entertaining us, as well as the MC elect... And now my desktop-slavery has ended, I'm also out of the office much times for different matters, especially for meetings.
Even my job has changed a lot. Instead of doing my job itself, I'm now doing only some supportive stuff, like matching (hehehe, my favourite part, and funny enough, during transition time I can do that!!!), and I'm coaching an mentoring Emma and Fiona, and sometimes Kaisha and Winnie as well. Then in addition to that we have a lovely NTT elect (National Trainers Team - Nash, Esther, Maureen and Renee) and an NST elect (National Support Team - Carol and Carol) and Quincy (MCVP X&Projects elect for South Africa) - who all need transition, so as to make sure am not getting bored :)

It hasn't hit me yet that I'm leaving in 4 weeks... It's rather like a vision only, that I'll board my flight and from my beloved Kenyan world it'll take me to a strange new Hungarian world. I'm saying world, coz I feel the two places being worlds apart. It is exciting and scary at the same time. I'm curious but my heart is breaking that I have to leave for now. Luckily I can say: "for now".

I realized something about the traffic lights on Kenyatta avenue: now that they have been there for like 2 months, people are kinda getting used to them. But they have been set wrongly, and that is messing up the traffic a lot! For instance there is one light, which is green for both cars and pedestrians at the same time...

Yesterday I had a really interesting and inspiring experience. I've just finished my lunch with Leah at Wasanii when an AIESEC Nairobi alumni (whom I've never seen before) joined us. We started talking, then he asked me which country I was from, and then we started joking that yeah am from Hungary but after 11 months I've become a Kenyan. Then he was telling us, that he had had his first exchange to Hungary, for 4 months! Then stories came up about getting on in the cold as an African, trying to cook ugali, and so on... Then after the Hungarian stories he told us about some other ones, about his internship in Nigeria and his life after. Apparently, he had met a Dutch guy there in Naija, who later went to Zimbabwe and wanted to start up a tourism business. So they went to the Netherlands to buy tracks, then to reduce the costs, they decided to run a rally from the Netherlands to Zimbabwe for some crazy tourists - so that basically the tourists would had brought the tracks to Zimbabwe, driving! Shockingly enough, the journey lasted for 7 months finally, with many crazy adventures...

Amazing what lives some people have been living.

Besides all this, something else is in the air as well... I'm not very sure yet how to describe it, I don't want to make the same mistake again and again that I'm getting into pink clouds and then in a few weeks I jump back to the "real world" - but it's good. I think I've found something, someone I've been always looking for :)

Random photo, still from Ghana... :)

We are one

A few photos from Ghana... not much tho, my internet connection is too slow for more, haha. Anyways, enjoy :)

7 days

17th April 2008


I'm sitting in the middle of a mess in my room, playing spider solitaire on the laptop and listening to Nigerian music... It is addictive, I swear, I cannot get enough! And what's worse, it makes me feel something is missing... Haha, that energy Nigerians have, I guess.

We've just got back from MC transition week today afternoon. We left on Friday last week, and found ourselves finally in Limuru, in a beautiful place in the middle of nowhere. It was the house of a member's grandmother - literally speaking in the middle of nowhere, I think the closest human activity was done at a tea plantation somewhere nearby...
The week itself was really fine. 10 of us (the current and the elect teams) got together, and besides (and during) the sessions we had so much fun. I remember, the first day we played "I have never ever" (again!!! argghhh), then next evening - with the help of some lovely alumni, Gathu, Martin and Alex - we managed to drink ourselves silly while playing "Non-stop nonsense". Man, that game is just too much fun! You are shooting stupid questions to each other, and answers and emotions on the face are not allowed.
Just some small note about the sessions: I realized again, how much I love Juliet's sessions about financial management, ang anything around finances - she is the one person on Earth that has been able to make me excited and interested about financial management!
Then yesterday night we went into long-term national planning - heated debates and crazy counting, Phil was just laughing at us. I have never had such a serious calculation session before setting goals for growth in terms of Exchange numbers and so on :)

It was such a strange feeling btw... I was watching the new team, bonding, getting to know each other, getting in their new roles pole pole - I'm really proud of them, I love them thiiiiiiis much, and at the same time I'm scared to leave, I would be more than happy to do another term here, and I'm super curious of what they are going to achieve. They are such a cool team, put together very well (haha, proudly selection panel member :)), and I know already, they'll be much better than we've been.
High level of energy, professionalism, amazing ideas, action-orientation... I'm just happy that we have a team like that taking over from us. I'm not afraid to leave AIESEC Kenya in their hands. And watching them growing up in front of our eyes, just makes me even more proud of them every day.

Haha, and I have shocked those people so much :) They were teasing me all along, that I have been here since when and I don't speak Swahili, and how bad that is. So all of a sudden I started to use Swahili words and sentences, asking and answering in Swa, they were so jazzed :) I couldn't stop laughing - though I surprised even myself how much I have picked up.

And at the same time I have been thinking about the future so much - how will my next term look like? With my new team? It's so weird btw, I still can't believe I'm going back to Hungary for another MC term... But it's funny, and it's challenging.

Oh, btw, some good news have reached us during the transition week: Rahab is getting matched to Pakistan, Juliet has been short-listed for an internship in Brasil, and Beryl has got selected for MC in Tanzania! I'm so happy for them all.

I feel being enriched by all that have been happening with me since I applied for AIESEC Kenya, I have got so much. We had a session called "Lay your cards on the table" and we gave feedback to each other with my current team. I have grown up - that was the main conclusion... And then today while driving back to Nairobi, then going home from town, and my small walk to Uchumi made me feel again how much I love this country. I have no doubt anymore: I will come back to live here. And last week I have just found my Dream Job at Wylde International, and Joram told me he really wants me to work there once I finish my AIESEC career, so it's basically a deal... :)
Last week I found some letters, notes and other documents from the time I arrived to Kenya. Haha, amazing how things are changing in such a short time.

I don't have internet again at home, hell knows why, but it's so annoying. I wanted to start checking my hundreds of unread emails at least, and do some other work, but it is impossible this way now. Argh, tomorrow morning it'll be an early wake-up. But at least am in Nairobi - the original plan was to go to Eldoret tonight and get back by Sunday, all this with Leah, for visiting LC Moi. Finally it seems I'm going there next week for a few days, together with Quincy hopefully (I don't want to go alone, 7 hours on the bus is boring).

Oh, photos are being uploaded to http://mailtovvik.spaces.live.com continuously. The ones from NLDS 2008 Tanzania, from February are already there, as soon as I have some faster internet connection, I'll upload some from Ghana and from this last week as well.

Savin me

5th April 2008

The 3 months rule so much working with me... I'm sitting in my room, counting my days, weeks and months. It's been 10 months I'm in Kenya, and only 7 more weeks are ahead. I can't believe, it's been passing so fast. I don't know how to handle this, I don't know where to put this feeling.
And meanwhile I'm just right in my regular quarterly " the world turning upside down with me" reflection period, after an unbelievable experience I've just had in Ghana, in confusions again with myself and with the whole world around.

Questions are running through my head, new and unknown feelings are shouting out loud from my heart, though my mind keeps telling me: focus. I still have work to do, people to coach and mentor, I have my successors to prepare for their upcoming roles, and I have a new role to learn and prepare for. Focus.

In the past few days I have been feeling I have failed. I have failed to fulfill my role here in Kenya, as a leader, when talking about our success factors. I haven't reached half of my goals, and I don't know right now what legacy I am leaving here. But then a question is popping up: what is success?Is that success if I reach the numeric goals we have set? Is that success if all processes and systems which I am supposed to manage in the organization are working in a smooth and healthy way? Or is success somewhere beyond this?

Am I an achiever? Am I becoming a better person? And is being an achiever helping me becoming a better person? What is MY ultimate measure of success?

What makes me get up each day in the mornings? Is it the responsibility I have? Is it called passion? Is it an ambition? Is it a hope about what each new day brings to me? Or is it just a habit? Am I getting up each morning cos I have to or cos I want to?

Yesterday during a long discussion I had with a friend, I realized something which I had known before, but just hit me now: there are some things in life, which you need to accept the way they are. It is just as simple as the sun is going down every night and gets up again in the morning. It seems so obvious but then something in the back of your mind tells you: "I wish..."

The way of life we choose always comes with things we loose - just because we have chosen this way. And that is the point I am at right now: I am making choices every day, I have made some choices about my life on the longer run... And then at the back of my mind someone keeps asking me: is that what you really want? Won't you miss this or that? "I wish..."

My way of life could be described basically with being in constant change in all sense of life. Places I live at, the food I eat, the work I do, people I know... This is what I have chosen. And when I'm getting into something new, am extremely excited and happy, I feel I really need those changes over and over again. The confusion comes usually when that voice is telling me: "Are you happy with being always on the way? I wish I could settle down for a little longer. I wish I could stay with the people I've just gotta know and love. I wish I could live in certainity instead of taking those risks every day."

Am I strong enough to take all this? Which is the bigger risk for ME: living in uncertainity and saying hello and goodbye all the time or getting stuck in one place? How can I handle all the heartburn when I have to leave again and again? What are my strengths and how can I use them to survive and be happy?

Well. An AHA experience is hitting me again. During the past few years I have always been thinking about my strengths as features that will help me succeed in my work. I think I have gained a new perspective now: my strengths are ultimately making me succeed and be happy in LIFE and work is just one part of it. Seems so obvious I know. But I have never tried to think this way before. I have never tried to link my strengths with the way of life I have chosen.
Wait a second ... I'm just checking my personality analysis, it says about me:

• Lack of systematic approach
• Fast decision making
• Fast in the volume of work
• Flexibility in terms of planning and organizing
• Need for change and variety
• High need for freedom and independence
• Low conventionality
• Low control
• Superhigh adaptability
• Naiv
• Questions status quo
• Ready to live and let others live
• Easily networking and making new relationships
  

Ok, I've got it. No rules, no getting-used-to, no traditions, no conventions. Belief in people. Fast-pace life. Adaptability and flexibility.

I think I'm prepared for the next few years of being on the move...

Dreams

30th March 2008

7pm Sunday, on my way back from Ho to Accra, in Ghana. My body is exhausted, my mind is inspired, energised, and is full of thoughts and reflection. I have only 20 minutes battery so I have to be really quick this time.

Never be the same again... I thought I have got used to this feeling - post-conference syndrome and the world turning upside down with me. Well, I'm getting to realize it is not something you can get used to. Sometimes the experience you go through is so powerful that it blows you off totally, you don't feel standing on your feet anymore.

Some magic is happening - whenever I feel I'm on the top of the world and it cannot be any better, and I reach a point when I learn to integrate the experience in myself, I get to new heights.

10 minutes remaining... it's very hard to put my thoughts into words right now. The conference is over, and I have very mixed feelings. I wish it lasted for at least 2 more weeks, or more. At the same time, I know it has to happen like this. This is how the world goes round and round, and learn how to make everyday just as powerful as this conference has been.

One more thing before my battery says goodnight - I will take Africa to the next level. I am a part of this continent now and it is my responsibility as well to make it grow. It doesn't matter anymore at which part of the world I will be from now on.


4th April 2008

Back in Nairobi... it's cold here. We landed at JKIA yesterday early morning, then got home by 9am, I was sleeping till late afternoon. I still have a strange jetlag, today morning at 10am I felt like 7am, and at noon I would tell you it was 9am... Ghana is in GMT, Nairobi is in GMT+3, haha.
I can't believe am back again... A dream has come true in the past 2 weeks. I have been part of something amazing.

I don't even know where to start.

We left on Thursday morning with Phil and Alexa from Nairobi. I almost missed the flight, due to a funny chain of events: Steve had promised to lend me his camera, but he was late, then I met Kent, he told me to wait and he'd call a cab, the cab was also late... Then I got to the airport by 10am (the flight was at 11.10) but then I had to queue to check in, then I was running to the gate, but I still had to change money cos I only had ksh with me and that is not used at all in Ghana... mammamia, Phil was looking at me like I was mad or something.

When we landed in Accra in the early afternoon, I felt like when I landed in Istanbul in last August... Extreme happy to finally being able to make it.

Let me tell first about Ghana. When we arrived, the first impression we had was how cool it is that Accra can keep its national identity, its culture, while becoming a modern capital. The country celebrated its 50th anniversary of independence from the UK, being the first country in Africa gaining independence from colonization. To add on the celebrations, Ghana was organizing the football Africa Cup at the beginning of this year, the excitement around this event is still tengible in the city. Africans love soccer. But they do it from their hearts, it's so lovely.

Accra, btw, is on the coast of the Atlantic ocean - fish, of course, is a very important product in the city. I was amazed - you can even buy fish from your car, from the hoakers on the road. And very nice ones! Btw, hoakers and road... in Accra you can buy virtually speaking everything on the roads - boiled eggs, fried bananas, many many different gadgets (starting from sunglasses, but even nice small chairs for kids), water, everything. If you want to have a meal, you don't even have to get off your car.
The business district of Accra is really developed and modern, with nice roads and beautiful buildings. Though outside of the business area, the city becomes a rural town... the number of built roads is quite few, the traffic jam is a constant thing, and as much as the city seems to be well-organized and planned in the modern parts, it seems to be rather messy everywhere else.
But it's really lovely. Palm trees everywhere, just like in Tanzania and Mombasa, but the buildings are redish, and even the roads are somehow having a redish colour. And it's hot there, around 32 degrees daytime, and 28 degrees at night. I really enjoyed it.

The staple food is rice and chicken or fish. Instead of potato, they eat yams. I was laughing when I first saw the fried yams, but it's really good. And the fish, mmmmmmhhhh, I'm lovin it :) Though the regular chilly sauce makes it harder for an East African or an Eastern European, but I still have to say, their food is good.
My most impressive experience about food was the Ghanaian way of "take-aways" - if it's a breakfast, the egg is cooked on the streets at a small stand, put in between two pieces of bread, and you can even get some coffee in a plastic bag. If it's about a lunch or supper, you can get the rice, the chicken or anything else, also in a plastic bag, and you even get a plastic spoon to make your job easier :) I had fun time eating this way, I think i'll miss it a lot.

My other fave is the water in plastic bags - just like the 0.5 liter milk anywhere else. You can get it in different brands, I'd like to highlight one: "Heaven is Real - pure drinking water"



We spent 3-3 days in Accra before and after the conference, experiencing the daily life of the city, especially in terms of eating and drinking habits, wowowoooo :)

Now about AfroXLDS 08...

The best conference I have ever had, honestly. My toplist of 5 now is the following: AfroXLDS 08, ITC 06, NLDS Tanzania 08, IC 07 and SNP Hungary 05... Some old AIESECers know what I am talking about :)

My fellow facis were: Aditi (India), Alexa (Tanzania), Anisha (AIESEC International/Malaysia), Mary Anna (Ghana), JC (AIESEC International/Norway), Phil (Kenya), Kole (Nigeria), Niyi (Nigeria) and Vincent (Belgium). 5 girls and 5 boys, 5 Africans and 5 non-Africans... a balanced and happy team, with all the madness and fun life has ever given to a groups of people. I love all of them so much. During the 2 weeks spent together we have become brothers and sisters, friends, team mates, collegues - we have become the inspiration and madness for each other... It may sound strange, but I have found soulmates amongst them, and friends for a lifetime.

The bonding we had was just amazing - the first night in Accra, looking for a food place at 11pm, then drinking beer at around midnight or even later... the get-to-know game we had (introducing each other) and the "I have never ever" night with loads of Calypso (nice coconut drink from Naija) and laughing... the conference opening day with the endless story and Anisha's talkshow... Chicky Pepsi... the night stalk madness... Father father... the faci-room allocation (my beloved roomie gotta be Niyi, haha :)) ...

It's still very hard to put everything, especially my feelings in simple words. Thanks for all of you, my beloved faci team!!!!

In addition to all this, even the delegates were just amazing. Mostly West Africans though, with some "Kenyan spice" - 4 Kenyan girls were making it more interesting, besides the 120 West Africans. The proactivity and passion all these guys had was extremely inspiring.


woooooow. I feel now that I could talk about the whole experience throughout many many pages... I'm full of energy and inspiration right now. I feel I can start changing the world, and I'm not alone for that. I got to know again many many wonderful people, with some of who I know we're still crossing each others' roads in life again and again.

It's strange being back in Kenya, in the MC office, and getting back to my daily work and life. But I'm not even trying to get back to my "normal" life this time - I've learnt something very important:

"There is a time to wake up and face reality. Once you wake up, you have 3 choices:
1. Go back to sleep and keep on dreaming.
2. Get up and life your life as usual.
3. Get up and realise your dreams."

Mercedes Benz

"Oh lord, would you buy me a Mercedes Benz..."

Hahahaaa :) My horoscope for today is saying: "An issue you've been having with a neighbour will finally be resolved today. Thank goodness!!" I wish it was so, cos it's getting to be not very funny if it goes on like this. Kent is not my friend now, and he doesn't seem to be willing to get back to my circle of trust. And the worst is that this time it's not only about catering for me and money, but also about his funny attitude towards me. Actually we haven't been talking to each other (besides the "Hi how are you") for a whole month now. I honestly don't know what the way out is from this situation.

Anyways. Besides this, things are going quite well. I've been having a lot of work in the past 1 months, which I truly enjoy. I'm having tons of meetings, being with people, communicating, coaching, mentoring - and the results are also coming! Something has changed in AIESEC Kenya in a very positive way. I'm not yet sure what exactly that is and how sustainable it will be, but it's creating a loads of positive energy in the organization right now. And I'm very happy about that!!!

A week ago we had our first MC meeting since IPM. It was really awesome, we were talking for 4 hours (which we rarely do), then decided to open the bottle of Macedonian wine Phil and Leah brought from there. After drinking it quite quickly (in the office), we decided to open the bottle of Hungarian wine we got from Maso and Devh, and then when it was also over, we sent Phil and Juliet to get another bottle from somewhere. Finally we ended up all of us getting quite tipsy in the MC office, hahaha. It was funny when we left from the office together to get our mats and buses - all 5 of us were super-overtalkative!

We have started transition with Emma recently. We are having 2 meetings per week, one for the actual transition, the other for chilling and bonding together. On Friday noon we decided to go for a piknik in the university's garden - we had some bakeries, and ice-cream on the grass, haha :) And if everything goes well, we'll go for salsa classes together once a week, after we get back from Ghana.

Oh, btw... I'm flying to Ghana next week!!! I'm so excited! I've mentioned earlier, that I'm facilitating at AfroXproLDS there - it's a conference for all African AIESEC countries, for about 160 delegates. I'm in a facilitators team of 10 people, from 8 countries - and the past 1 weeks was about sessions workout and preparation, so I've been having long long chats with Niyi and Kole from Nigeria (Naija), Alexa from Tanzania (TZ) - again hehe, JC, Mary Anna, etc... The Naija guys are amazing, we're having so much fun during our chats. Can't wait to meet them in person. We're flying on Thursday morning, and will get back to Nairobi by 2nd April only.

We have a full MC team for 08-09!!! Yesterday we had the selection for Directors, and we've put together the full team of 6 people finally. I'm sooo happy for them! And by this happening, I'm having 2 babygirls to bring up till the end of May, haha :) (I'm having a successor on TM and one on OGX finally.)

And in addition, the communication is getting to be more and more intense with my elect team for Hungary as well - recently I've had a 3-hours chat with Radomir, few smaller chats with Kicsi and Bence, and I was talking with Devh for 1.5 hrs via skype yesterday. It is really great, I love them so much already. Plus the exciting thing is that we'll have a full team by the end of next week as well - by selecting someone for Talent Management. I'm sooo curious.

Last night Vityo called me at 6am (GMT+3). I was laughing - she asked me what time was here, I told her 2 hrs later than there then she asked me then why I picked up the phone... :P I don't know for how long we were talking, but it made me soo happy!

I feel happy and energized but worried and exhausted at the same time. Cannot really explain the reasons behind. Happy and energized - it's obvious based on what has been happening with me all around. Being exhausted I just feel it on cos my body has started misbehaving, and it's visible on my eyes that something is not ok. And I'm having serious mental blocks sometimes, cannot think at all.

I've read Jaq's blog nowadays... He's started his internship in Sri Lanka about a month ago. It's so interesting, how similar experiences he is having as I have had. Just the way he's writing it down is totally different from the way I am doing it, haha. Sometimes I am thinking - maybe I should have written down so much more of the culture and differences I have experienced... But I have chosen a totally other way, writing about what has been going on in me. Sometimes I feel that the cultural differences don't worth writing down - I've got used to the differences quite fast and I have been having so much challenges even with my mum making her understand why things happen here in a certain way that is totally different from how they happen at home. And I'm not sure it is possible to write down or explain all those things. You have to experience it.

Play the game

Situational creativity... I don't know wether English has this expression or not, but I know I have developed a new skill which could be called like that.

I had thought that not having power and hot water time by time and the total absence of a washing machine are the top of the mountain in terms of household challenges - well, I was quite wrong. 3 weeks ago our fridge decided to stop working, and as it seems to be taking forever to replace the wrong element, we've gotta change our eating-cooking-food storing habits. Then, I have to think it still didn't push our barriers far enough, cos 3 days ago we ended up not having water at all in the house. And since then the most we could get out of our taps have not been more than 10 drops I guess...

You cannot even imagine for how many things you are using water until you get into a situation like this! People usually ask: how do we take shower this way? This is the smallest challenge, I swear! Just imagine... washing your clothes, washing up the dishes, cooking, drinking (even for a coffee), washing your hands and your teeth and your face, toilet issues, etc...

But here is the solution: take the one and only tap in the garden which is still working, plus take 2 buckets, a bottle of 5 liters (originally for mineral water) and a basin - and everything can be worked out :)


Otherwise, this last week was a rush - from one meeting to another, competing with the time so that I can finish everything properly. But so far so good, I have managed to finish most of the things I had to do.

I've reached 9 months of my Kenyan experience by yesterday. Honestly, it is scary! I have only 3 more months left. And time is flying. 100% energy, 100% content - the motto for that next 3 months.

Waiting on the world to change

24th February 2008

We had a powercut yesterday from when I arrived home till about midnight... No food, no light. Finally I realized I had a torch, so at least I could read a book. Agi has sent to me The alkimist from Paolo Coelho recently - ok, she sent it in October, and it arrived in January, but never mind, it's here :)

Finally the powercut seemed to be lasting so long that I could read the whole book at once. It was really impressive - talking about the Personal Story we all have for our lives, but only a very few of us dare to go for it and fulfil their destiny. It has made me think: what is MY personal story? What does my heart want to do with my life? What dreams do I have?

I still need to understand this part of me. And I need to learn how to use those learning points from the book. But it seems I'm at least on the right way, following my heart and dreams so far. I just need to make sure, I'm not choosing the easier way at any point of time.


I had a lunch today at Hezzy's family's place. It was really nice, his mum is just amazing. Makes you eat till the point you feel you can't even walk, just roll out of the house :) I so much enjoy the hospitality of Kenyan families in general. I'm always scared for some reason when I'm visiting a new family, but it's always a very positive and friendly experience at the end of the day.


Phil and Leah are at IPM... it's still so strange they are not around, I miss them badly. The office seems to be empty without them, though I have Juliet and Sylu there. Oh, big news: PHIL HAS MADE IT FOR AI!!! It means that he is actually selected for being Director for AIESEC International for 2008-2009. We're all sooo proud of him!!! I'm very happy for this all happening.

And btw, this shows that AIESEC Kenya is developing high quality members for this organization - and exceptional change agents for the world! And I'm proud to be a part of this magic. Kenya ni yetu.


Otherwise, I'm still just getting back to the reality after my Tanzanian experience. Fortunately I have enough things to do: meetings after meetings, coaching, mentoring, preparations, transtion, team meetings, etc... In addition I'm deep in matching and managing our outgoing exchange processes, which I love, so that gives me some kinda fulfilment right now.
And I have Alexa, Benja and Stan talking to me on chat almost every day... It makes my heart easier, I don't feel that lost.

I think I'm going to sleep now. I don't know why I'm feeling that deadly tired, but I cannot seem to keep my eyes open anymore.

You've got the love

"Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air,
I know I can count on you.
Sometimes I feel like saying 'Lord I just don't care'
but you've got the love I need to see me through"

Let me start with this thought, feeling this time... It makes me reflect on that perfect harmony I've been feeling since I put my feet on Tanzania's land last week on Wednesday. I am still flying, still cannot find the right words to describe what I have gone through. I could tell the story (and yes I will) but I don't know if it helps you to understand...

I've travelled with 2 Ugandans, Billy and Ram - it was a long long journey... We left on Tuesday evening, arrived to Mombasa at 6am next day, then to Dar es Salaam at about 4pm on the same day. The first challenge was to find out where we were supposed to be going, as we were told to go to the AIESEC house. After having our first dala dala experience (the TZ version of our matatus), Stan Jr and Aloyse were waiting for taking us to the house. There we could have a quick shower, change, and in an hour's time we left for Bagamoyo, together with the whole facilitators team, the chair and some of the Organizing Committee (OC) members.

The venue we had to conference at is called Palm Tree Village - the name speaks for itself: most of the rooms were actually small huts, amongst palm trees and other beautiful plants. At the back of the compound there was another building where the facis got rooms and opposite to that building we had a swimming pool. Then if you continued straight (coming from the entrance of the Village) you found the Indian ocean - 20 meters from the facis' rooms... The best view I've ever seen in my life found me here: imagine a sunrise from your balcony, looking straight to the ocean.

The perfect inspiration to create something amazing.

And yeah, it worked. We had 16 facis (10 Tanzanians, 3 Ugandans and 3 Kenyans) plus the OC team of 5 people - the cooperation, support and teamwork was so strong, just as the willingness from each of us to make this conference a success. Our chair was Philip, MCP 06-07 of AIESEC Uganda. The first night was spent with finalizing all sessions, bonding, having some fun. I was amazed on how talented faci team I'd got into.

I loved the first day we had. Philip was a bit worried, as we started 2 hours late, but I think finally it was even better this way... We ended up having an amazing team building with all our delegates on the beach. Cultural interaction game and crazy facis yeah... Esther and myself were striving for reaching the sky in terms of creativity and craziness. It was a really powerful start of the 4-days experience.

Let me not go into details of the whole agenda and everything. Just to highlight some key points: secret Valentine's night with "lonely" facis kareokeeing for delegates; the strategic triangle of secret friends - rumours and scandals - Dr Love for fun; crazy BoA members and corporate representatives at sessions; hug-addict facis; the Sound of Freedom; long walks on the beach day and night; invaluable talks with delegates, facis, chair; funky team building for Kenyan and Ugandan delegates... These are some of the moments I'll never forget.

And also I'll keep in mind the following messages from Carl, member of AIESEC TZ's Board of Advisors:
"Cut the bullshit, just do it."
"Bottomlines - get the job done."

But most importantly, I will remember all the wonderful people I've met... Latif, the genious. Attila, the Hungarian-named Kenyan studying in Tanzania. Alexa, I can't even find the words. Stan, one of my best friends. Esther, who I tend to think is Hungarian, that's how close we are. Benja, with lovely hugz. Brian, the most helpful. Philip, the best of chairs, the best of friends, the best of soulmates. Stan Jr, who is always there. Ram, who reminds me to Vlagyi - and I love them both :) Michelle, ma belle. And many more who have impacted me only in a few days' time.

I felt empty when on Sunday evening the delegates were leaving.

But then fortunately us facis we still had some time together. Went for a dinner together, then headed for the last faci meeting, which was the greatest fun of all. After 2 hours of sleeping in the living room of the AIESEC house, we finally left from Dar on Monday morning.

One last momentum on the way home... We were traveling through Mombasa, and as we arrived there in the afternoon, but our bus was leaving to Nairobi only at 9pm, we had about 3 hours to spend there!
4 of us (we were 20 AIESECers traveling together), Tess, Esther, Nyaszie and me decided to get the most out of our Mombasa experience, so we started to look for something... At that time we didn't even know what we were looking for, but finally it wasn't hard to find it. First we found a shopping mall, where we could buy some snacks to eat. Then we went to a small market, looking for kangas (huge materials with beautiful prints), finally I've got a lovely orange-black one with big flowers on it. I want to get some traditional dress made of it.
After all this we wanted to eat something for supper - my dream was to get some sea-food, the girls were looking for Swahili dishes. We found a place, where the guy finally directed us to another restaurant, called Island Dishes. We had to use tuk tuk to get there, first time in our lives! It was amazing, especially cos the tuk tuk driver took us around the town, instead of going directly to the restaurant.
Then when we got there, for some reason the girls found the prices quite high and we started to bargain with the waiter... We ended up paying ksh 70 per person for an inclusive Swahili mixed dinner: special beef stew, rice, 2 types of kebabs and Swahili pizza :) It felt like in Heaven. Just perfect.

Then we took a tuk tuk again, back to the bus stage and headed to Nairobi...

Now, back in Nairobi... Phil and Leah are at IPM. We're all crossing fingers for Phil, running for Director of AIESEC International! I'm so proud of him.
Otherwise, life is busy as usual. I've just realized yesterday that the experience I had - Tanzania, Mombasa and all - has been part of a very deep self-reflection process for me... I've realized and learnt so many things recently... about myself, about other people, situations, processes... It's amazing. I truly enjoy it.

Oh, some funky updates... During the one week I was out of the country, we have a beautiful new road on Markus Garvey road (I mean it's smooth now, after 8 months they've been working on it!!!), and also new traffic lights at Kenyatta avenue. Tho those traffic lights are funny - as people haven't got used to it, nothing has changed yet, noone is paying attention to the lights, haha :)

The sound of the drums

Recently I've found an album on my laptop - I had got it from Kristian's harddrive before he left, and I'd never checked it before what kind of music it was... Angelique Kidjo... One of these days I wanted to listen to something new, and I thought lets give it a try. Good decision!!!! Imagine some traditional Kenyan sounds combined with jazzish and soulish elements here and there, performed by a lady who has a beautiful, strong voice... I love it, I love it!!! I cannot believe music like this really does exist, wow!

There is something in those songs that describes how I have been feeling during the last 1-2 weeks - energetic, meaningful, enjoying variety, loud, inspired... Hard to find the right words tho.

My whole week was about meetings and people. I've had 2 meetings with my teams, another joint meeting with all exchangers and project managers, a mentoring meetings, coaching meetings, a weekly meeting of LC Nairobi, online meetings, personal meetings... And that is me, running around, getting together with people, inspiring them, supporting them, out of the office. I feel happy and energized of all this. Especially cos I see now that these meetings finally are making sense. My guys are getting energized and inspired as well, I see that they want to go for more, they want to achieve results, they want to make an impact. I see now that even those people who I considered as hopeless, are catching up and willing to learn and do more. It's just simply amazing.

And I'm catching up as well, in regards to my own personal issues. I've been to Immigrations on Friday morning again, applying for Aliens Card (yeah, I'm coming from Mars I guess), I've got my re-entry permit, so I officially can leave the country now and come back. They have even took my finger prints, all the 10 of them, first ever time in my life. It was a fun, first I didn't understand what that guy wanted with my hands, hehe.
And I've almost got to British Airways as well, I need to fight with them cos of my return ticket - anyways, I'm finally going there on Monday. If everything goes well, I can save some money on them...

I also had a nice lunch with Alvin, one of our alumni. We've become very good friends by now, and have just decided, that as he's back in Kenya for a longer while, we are going to meet much more times, weekly or bi-weekly from now on. So after I'm coming back from Tanzania, we're going for some outdoor activity, for a day or two - I can't wait!

I love those lunch and dinner meetings - I don't know why, but having a meeting while eating I think that's amongst the best ways of opening up people. My weekend has been going on like that btw. Even yesterday I had a dinner meeting with a friend, Joe, and today lunch with another one, Hezron. I love the long talks that can arise from that kinds meetings.

Oh, I haven't written too much about my new family here, living in my house. During the past 1 months they are here, Ian, the small babyboy has learnt how to say to me "Hi Aunty" in English, and we have lovely small talks in Swahili like:
me: "Mambo Ian" - Ian: "Poa"
me: "Sasaaaaa Ian" - Ian: "Fit"
Ian: "Bali Aunty"- me: "Mzuri"
Then sometimes he's telling me other things as well which I don't yet understand...

Btw, Joe has promised that he'll teach me Swahili. So on Saturday evening the training has already started, he's sometimes talking to me in Swahili, then translating and explaining everything :-) Ahh, finally, I'm improving!

And one more thing... I think I haven't mentioned this before... My next one year is finally set! I've been selected for AIESEC in Hungary, as Vice-President for Outgoing Exchange and Student Communication. We had E-NatCo on Friday afternoon, then selection panel yesterday (I've had the longest interview of my life, 100 minutes!), and I've got a text message at 1am (EAT) that I've got selected. I have a similar feeling now like I had when I got selected for Kenya - it still seems like a dream, I still haven't realized that it is actually happening...

I'm too much in the run right now... tomorrow Billy Joe is arriving from Uganda, I'm picking him up in the evening, then on Tuesday morning we're leaving together to Tanzania, for a conference there. Both of us are facilitating. I still need to buy the bus tickets tomorrow morning, and arrange everything for the journey. Tanzania... Can't wait to be there.