Powerless

There is so much on my mind right now that wants to get written down, I don't even know where to start. Tonight I've come home absolutely angry and fustrated, and since I have been trying to calm down, and handle those many emotions which are trying to explode in me.

The first thing that has come to my mind was about right and wrong. What is the right thing to do? What is expected from me? Whose expectations should I live up to at all? Who is saying this is right, and that is wrong? What is the right behaviour? And who is the judge in this case? Do I have to live up to others' expectations? Do I need to do what they think is right? How is that aligned with what I think is right? Is it right what I think is right?

All of a sudden, my values started to knock on my door: hey, we are here, please don't step on us. Yes yes, I don't want to. Developing others. Responsibility. Independence. Creative thinking. Relationships. Which of you will tell me the answer what is right and what is wrong? And what happens if I am having troubles to reach out to you? How can I calm that stubborn noise in my mind who keeps telling me to find you immediately?

To what extent can I insist on my values and where is the limit when do I have to give up? And what if my environment is resistent to whatever I represent? Should I quit? Should I adopt? How is that connected to my values? And what happens if my values are not accepted but one of my values doesn't let me quit? What happens if my arguements are value based? Are we ever going to get to the same page? What to do when I someone is trying to push their values over mine ones?

I don't have problems with being in minority. I have done that before, several times, I can handle people not liking me as well - but going against my values on the long-run is really wearing me out. Not believing in our people, not letting them grow just to make sure to get results, not having the space to make my own decisions on my area of responsibility, not being able to find my own pace because of depending on others, living in an environment that doesn't value creativity - I feel weak... I feel that I am wrong and that I am the ones who needs to adopt, and I have tried, but I am getting extremely tired. And this is building up even further the feeling that I am wrong.

I have seen so much in my 23 years so far. And I have experienced so much of what life is. I am not coming from a cocoon. I have travelled, met a lot of people, seen wealth and poverty, lived in both actually. I have spent 5 years in a global organization, and I have exposed to each level of leadership within it. I think I can dare to say that I have even inspired some people. I know a lot about people, about the management of an organization, about communication, about cultures, and about what it can mean to live a meaningful life.
And now, I am totally confused. What is the value of this all? What does it mean for me? What does it mean for my environment? Does it matter at all what it means to them? How have my personal values evolved from my experiences? How are my values effected by my current environment? Am I giving up from them? Or are they getting stronger in me?

Would I be a better person if I followed the standards? What if my standards are different from the other person's ones? Would I be more successful if in my leadership role I gave no room for mistakes? What does success mean to me? What does it mean that I have strengths and weaknesses? What happens if a weakness turns to be a strength? What if I do not believe in logic? Can I create my environment?

Can I create my environment?